Reflections

I have taken to staring at my own reflection in the mirror a lot lately. This is not very unusual for a woman. As a species, we are fond of anything that is remotely like glass (dinnerware, mirrors, diamonds, clean floors). I used to stand in front of mirrors all the time as a child, singing, dancing, draping myself in yards and yards of my mother’s saris, covering myself in all sorts of glittering jewels like a bizarre princess, even having conversations with myself. Then I became a teenager, and it was about what I could/should wear to college, and how everything about my appearance was disappointing bordering on revolting. Then I went to college and buried myself neck-deep in philosophy from all around the world, with the result that I would contemplate my reflection as a tremendous, unfathomable abstraction, and hope that this private battle between me and my two-dimensional self would yield answers to the rhetorical questions screaming in my head.

I hadn’t been doing any of the above lately, just using a mirror for practical purposes, such as brushing my teeth or putting on make-up. I don’t dance or sing much anymore, living in the United States of America, the only country in the world where obesity is the number one disease, has made me a little more comfortable with my body, and somehow, searching for my Self as though it were in the middle of Gobi desert when I am really right here seems a bit silly. All this sounds like bliss or contentment or whatever you wish to call it, but I don’t think I feel like that at all.

No, I stare at the mirror because I am trying very hard indeed to see the future in it. The where-do-I-see-myself-five-years-from-now state. Well, obviously, the mirror isn't a window into the future, so how can anyone see how things will be five years down the line? It's more a matter of wishing for something and hoping that's how things will turn out. So, I wish to be successful, settled down, respected, maybe even famous. I'm sure this is what most people would like to see. But the difference between a mirror and one's imagination or one's dreams and so on is that in a mirror, one can actually see behind oneself which makes it more challenging. Obviously, we usually pay more attention to ourselves, and consciously and subconsciously ignore what surrounds us. Many would even advise against it. What is the point of dwelling on things past and all that. But I think it is important to pay attention to what is behind us, because they are important reference points to who we are right now - the backdrop of a painting. I am trying to understand what these signs mean - open windows, unmade beds, empty boxes, bookshelves, desks, chairs and an old broken fan. I think they tell me how much there is still to be done, how much I have to learn, and how I still need looking after.

I pray that the future gives me lots of things to look forward to. And I most certainly hope I look exactly the same, or much better, when I get there.